"I cry more than I want," J amends, sniffling again, petulant. It's easier to lean into pouting right now. If he really lets himself feel the weight of everything inside of him, he'll lose it, and he can't do that. There is, if nothing else, someone supposed to deliver them food soon enough, and he can't answer the door like this.
But S is crying, too, even if he tries to hide it. That's one of the hardest parts of all of this. If it were just him, he thinks, he probably would give up. None of this would be worth it for him to keep on living alone, nothing left but the fear and the guilt. For this, though, for S, for love — he has to try. He has to win. But just as S is the one who would be left behind if he's unable to carry on, S is the one who has to bear witness to all of this now. Either way, J knows, he'll hurt him. But like this, at least, he can offer some comfort in return.
He ducks forward, brushing a kiss against S's cheek in turn. "I mean more... I feel selfish saying it hurts at all," he says, "when... I know you're right. It's... hard. It has been for a long time. But with what I did — it feels wrong to say so." He worries at his lower lip, shame creeping into his expression. "I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. It's not fair to whine about how much it hurts that I have to live with what I did when other people don't get to. But it's not fair either if I get the chance and I spend all of it being sad and guilty. And I want this. I'm so lucky..." His voice wobbles a little and he frowns, nose wrinkling, at the sound of it. "I am. And then I feel guilty for being lucky and getting what I want. For being... relieved."
It's a horrible cycle. It gets better sometimes, the reality of what he did fading into the background, but that makes it worse when he remembers. Maybe as time goes on, all of it will be easier, or he'll figure out some philosophical stance that lets him get on with his life. Right now all he knows for sure is that it's worth it regardless. This time, he kisses S on the lips, soft and brief. "I know it sounds bad," he says. "I promise, I'm telling you. Maybe not every time I think about it, but... when it's more than a passing thought. I'm... mostly trying not to think about it."
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But S is crying, too, even if he tries to hide it. That's one of the hardest parts of all of this. If it were just him, he thinks, he probably would give up. None of this would be worth it for him to keep on living alone, nothing left but the fear and the guilt. For this, though, for S, for love — he has to try. He has to win. But just as S is the one who would be left behind if he's unable to carry on, S is the one who has to bear witness to all of this now. Either way, J knows, he'll hurt him. But like this, at least, he can offer some comfort in return.
He ducks forward, brushing a kiss against S's cheek in turn. "I mean more... I feel selfish saying it hurts at all," he says, "when... I know you're right. It's... hard. It has been for a long time. But with what I did — it feels wrong to say so." He worries at his lower lip, shame creeping into his expression. "I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. It's not fair to whine about how much it hurts that I have to live with what I did when other people don't get to. But it's not fair either if I get the chance and I spend all of it being sad and guilty. And I want this. I'm so lucky..." His voice wobbles a little and he frowns, nose wrinkling, at the sound of it. "I am. And then I feel guilty for being lucky and getting what I want. For being... relieved."
It's a horrible cycle. It gets better sometimes, the reality of what he did fading into the background, but that makes it worse when he remembers. Maybe as time goes on, all of it will be easier, or he'll figure out some philosophical stance that lets him get on with his life. Right now all he knows for sure is that it's worth it regardless. This time, he kisses S on the lips, soft and brief. "I know it sounds bad," he says. "I promise, I'm telling you. Maybe not every time I think about it, but... when it's more than a passing thought. I'm... mostly trying not to think about it."