J can't argue with that. That doesn't stop some small part of himself from trying to do so anyway, an argument bubbling up, an old war with himself. They shouldn't have to be lucky. They shouldn't need that, because he should have done something sooner. If he'd been stronger, if he'd made himself do the smart thing and talk to S, if he could have pushed past this same stupid voice in his head and opened up then like he has now, if he were tough enough to push it out entirely, they wouldn't be here. If he weren't a pathetic coward.

That he's the one who was angry is stupid, but he supposes he should have understood that sooner too. S is perfectly capable of fighting if he wants to. He held his own back then, and he let it go. J was angrier with himself than with S this whole time anyway. Of course he's still mad at himself now.

He fucked up so much.

And now S is crying, still crying, and J is, too, though much less so than he was earlier. However much J can't help that he can't wholly accept their good fortune for what it is without pushing back, he won't let it out either, not now. He's hurt S enough. Instead, he lets go of S's hands to reach out for him instead, wrapping his arms around S's shoulders and pulling him close. "I'm sorry," he murmurs, kissing his cheek. "No, we are. We're so lucky. I never thought I'd even see you again..." In his last hours, he wasn't even sure if S still lived at all. "I'm sorry, darling. We are trying. And I will talk to you, I am talking to you. I know better now. I was so fucking stupid, but I'm here now, and I love you so much. I love you more than anything, Hyunie. I'll make sure you know it this time."