It feels absurd to be so emotional over a single present, but J can't help it. In a strange way, it makes him feel more hopeful about music, too. One thing he worries about in between the very few chances he's had to play since he first tried is how important each time feels. Even if it's not as heavy a thing as it was before, there's still such weight to it, as if the ability to play or not play and the impact that has on him still has the power to define him. Maybe having something like this he can do, something that's new and different but still creative, will help take a bit of the pressure off that.
And even if it doesn't, it'll be fun to figure out how this works and to annoy S with it. He's put so much thought into it, though, getting the different pieces, thinking ahead to developing the film, and J wishes he knew how to set it up right now, so he could capture S in this moment. He nods, smile bright, if a little shy. "Okay," he says. "I... ah, I guess I'll get to know this friend a bit and then figure out which would be better. This really is so nice. I..."
He doesn't want to bring the mood down, talking about things that are more difficult. He's been working, though, on this, pushing himself this year to be open, transparent in a way he wasn't for years, and which he can only manage with S anyway. Besides, it's not like it's bad contextually or even surprising. It's just a more serious subject. "It's hard sometimes," he says, gaze slightly lowered. "It has been since before here. I didn't know how to make things anymore." He didn't know, for that matter, how to let things matter a little bit less, tripping over himself because everything felt so fucking important all the time. But with the pictures he's been taking, it's different. He takes them because small moments feel important, too, and little meaningless things still have beauty. And also because he likes being able to hold onto instants with S that would have faded in memory otherwise. "I... I missed... that part of me." He doesn't really know who he is without it. He hadn't for a long, long time, well before they broke up. But maybe it's still there in the way he stops to get the angle right before he takes a picture of someone's bike against a brightly colored wall just because it's pretty. "This seems like a nice way to... see it again."
He shakes his head, making himself lift his gaze again so he can see S. "I love you."
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And even if it doesn't, it'll be fun to figure out how this works and to annoy S with it. He's put so much thought into it, though, getting the different pieces, thinking ahead to developing the film, and J wishes he knew how to set it up right now, so he could capture S in this moment. He nods, smile bright, if a little shy. "Okay," he says. "I... ah, I guess I'll get to know this friend a bit and then figure out which would be better. This really is so nice. I..."
He doesn't want to bring the mood down, talking about things that are more difficult. He's been working, though, on this, pushing himself this year to be open, transparent in a way he wasn't for years, and which he can only manage with S anyway. Besides, it's not like it's bad contextually or even surprising. It's just a more serious subject. "It's hard sometimes," he says, gaze slightly lowered. "It has been since before here. I didn't know how to make things anymore." He didn't know, for that matter, how to let things matter a little bit less, tripping over himself because everything felt so fucking important all the time. But with the pictures he's been taking, it's different. He takes them because small moments feel important, too, and little meaningless things still have beauty. And also because he likes being able to hold onto instants with S that would have faded in memory otherwise. "I... I missed... that part of me." He doesn't really know who he is without it. He hadn't for a long, long time, well before they broke up. But maybe it's still there in the way he stops to get the angle right before he takes a picture of someone's bike against a brightly colored wall just because it's pretty. "This seems like a nice way to... see it again."
He shakes his head, making himself lift his gaze again so he can see S. "I love you."