J envies him that a little bit. He's known for a while now how badly he missed this, the awareness only serving to make it worse, to make him want it more. But then, he thinks, S didn't know because, it seems, he didn't let himself. That's its own kind of awful. This used to be them. This used to be home. And he wishes he could say the same to S, that he would never mind hearing it, but there was very much a time when he did. Of course S must have worried J wouldn't want to anymore.
It takes him a moment to be able to say anything at all, sniffling quietly, trying not to start crying outright. He should have known better, he thinks, but he didn't, and it's such a fucking relief to hear S say these things. As overcome as he may feel, it's the good kind, really. "Not stupid," he murmurs, shaking his head. "You're not stupid at all. You're sweet and thoughtful, and you wanted me to be okay. You had no reason to think I wanted this. I should have said. I should have been clearer." With the hand not still clutching S's leg, he wipes at his eyes, attempting to improve his vision a bit. "And you should have asked. But I get why you didn't."
It's hard to say even that much, really, which is also no fault of S's. It's just that J spent so long criticizing S for every little thing, and it's hard to do so at all now, even when it's rational, founded, and gentle. He's not yelling at S for the sake of it or to let off steam or over some imagined problem, but he hated that time in their lives so, so much, and it hurts to be in a situation where he can't help worrying he'll put them back there. Teasing is simple, but actual issues are hard to pick through, at least when he's not already too upset for it to make much difference to his state. Emotional though he may be, he's much calmer now than he was earlier. That makes it hard. But he just reminds himself that it's important. It wouldn't be fair to either of them if he let his fear keep him biting his tongue. They have to be able to discuss things. S won't misjudge him. He just has to keep himself from doing so.
He sighs, shrugging slightly as he looks over at S, so close and so lovely. "I have to get better at asking, too. I just... don't like talking about... before. It's hard."
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It takes him a moment to be able to say anything at all, sniffling quietly, trying not to start crying outright. He should have known better, he thinks, but he didn't, and it's such a fucking relief to hear S say these things. As overcome as he may feel, it's the good kind, really. "Not stupid," he murmurs, shaking his head. "You're not stupid at all. You're sweet and thoughtful, and you wanted me to be okay. You had no reason to think I wanted this. I should have said. I should have been clearer." With the hand not still clutching S's leg, he wipes at his eyes, attempting to improve his vision a bit. "And you should have asked. But I get why you didn't."
It's hard to say even that much, really, which is also no fault of S's. It's just that J spent so long criticizing S for every little thing, and it's hard to do so at all now, even when it's rational, founded, and gentle. He's not yelling at S for the sake of it or to let off steam or over some imagined problem, but he hated that time in their lives so, so much, and it hurts to be in a situation where he can't help worrying he'll put them back there. Teasing is simple, but actual issues are hard to pick through, at least when he's not already too upset for it to make much difference to his state. Emotional though he may be, he's much calmer now than he was earlier. That makes it hard. But he just reminds himself that it's important. It wouldn't be fair to either of them if he let his fear keep him biting his tongue. They have to be able to discuss things. S won't misjudge him. He just has to keep himself from doing so.
He sighs, shrugging slightly as he looks over at S, so close and so lovely. "I have to get better at asking, too. I just... don't like talking about... before. It's hard."