J really wants to calm himself down. He wants to go home and stay wrapped up in S's arms all night, and he can't leave this place until he's a bit more put together, but he didn't mean to make S come here and stay late at work or keep him from closing up. He doesn't want to budge, not when S is gently wiping away his tears and looking at him like that, but, really, S can do that at home, too.
It's just not likely to happen any time soon. Try as J might, he can't keep from tearing up yet again. It's not his fault, he's pretty sure. He doesn't see how anyone could help it in the face of something like this, S speaking softly all the things J's been afraid to want to hear. It's such a relief it doesn't quite feel real and it hurts and it's wonderful, all at the same time. Granted, that comes out of him in these stupid little whimpers and hitching breaths as he tries not to let himself get overwhelmed and only succeeds in further overwhelming himself. He's just fucked up so much and so badly in so many ways that it's hard to believe, sometimes, that he hasn't ruined everything, even when the proof is sitting in front of him, real and beautiful and his. He doesn't know if he'll ever entirely move beyond that, but it's progress enough that they can sit here at all and that he can believe what S says is true.
"You matter to me," he manages, shaking his head, after a few moments of catching his breath. "And you think I'm better at a lot of things than I do. I'm..." He takes a deep breath, trying to figure out what he's trying to say. Sighing, he shrugs a little. "I miss when I believed in me so much." Even then, he knows, he had his doubts. He was better, though, at pushing his way through them, and better at recognizing the things he did well. He felt a need to prove himself, but he didn't doubt he was capable of doing so. He knows S liked that confidence, admired him for it, and it's both comforting to find that S doesn't like him any less now he lacks it, even if he wishes he didn't need to know that.
Sniffling again, he lets out another sigh, leaning close to press his forehead to S's. "I missed this, too," he says, soft as an exhale. "Just being with you like this. Hearing you play. It means so much, darling."
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It's just not likely to happen any time soon. Try as J might, he can't keep from tearing up yet again. It's not his fault, he's pretty sure. He doesn't see how anyone could help it in the face of something like this, S speaking softly all the things J's been afraid to want to hear. It's such a relief it doesn't quite feel real and it hurts and it's wonderful, all at the same time. Granted, that comes out of him in these stupid little whimpers and hitching breaths as he tries not to let himself get overwhelmed and only succeeds in further overwhelming himself. He's just fucked up so much and so badly in so many ways that it's hard to believe, sometimes, that he hasn't ruined everything, even when the proof is sitting in front of him, real and beautiful and his. He doesn't know if he'll ever entirely move beyond that, but it's progress enough that they can sit here at all and that he can believe what S says is true.
"You matter to me," he manages, shaking his head, after a few moments of catching his breath. "And you think I'm better at a lot of things than I do. I'm..." He takes a deep breath, trying to figure out what he's trying to say. Sighing, he shrugs a little. "I miss when I believed in me so much." Even then, he knows, he had his doubts. He was better, though, at pushing his way through them, and better at recognizing the things he did well. He felt a need to prove himself, but he didn't doubt he was capable of doing so. He knows S liked that confidence, admired him for it, and it's both comforting to find that S doesn't like him any less now he lacks it, even if he wishes he didn't need to know that.
Sniffling again, he lets out another sigh, leaning close to press his forehead to S's. "I missed this, too," he says, soft as an exhale. "Just being with you like this. Hearing you play. It means so much, darling."