Even now — even having been the one who was playing in the first place — S isn't expecting at all to have the focus swung back to him and how he feels. For him, it's never really been about that, which is maybe part of the problem. He's never let it be. Missing it is one thing, and playing here in fits and starts, but doing so with something like intent and J at his side after so long is very, very different. That last time when he went to see J, despite what he'd said on his way over to the piano, S thought that would be the last time after all, ending definitively and painfully, with nothing but discord. As glad as he is to have been wrong, there's an extent to which he still hasn't processed it yet. This whole last while, since J first found him in here, has been so fraught and emotional, and though his current composure may be somewhat more steady than J's, underneath that, he still feels shaken. It's not a bad feeling, really, just that he hasn't caught up yet, struggling to find equilibrium after dealing with something so huge.
It might not have gotten so big, though, if they'd just fucking talked about it sooner. With that in mind, he figures the best thing he can do is be honest. "I think so," he murmurs, glancing down for a moment at where his and J's hands are entwined, his thumb brushing against J's knuckles. "I'm not really sure how I feel yet. I know I don't feel bad. It's just... a lot." Realizing even as he speaks that those words could be too easily misconstrued, he lifts their hands then, pressing a soft kiss to the back of J's. "Not because of you. This... the being here with you part, that feels good. It's just me and the piano that I still have to figure out, I think."
After all, it's been so long since he loved it. Before J moved out, he was trying to get back to the way things used to be, wanting to remind J of what was good between them, but his passion for music was already fading. Maybe that started even before the first cracks formed in their relationship. That much might well have been the professor, and the knowledge that the pieces he wrote, someone else would be taking credit for. He still played after J moved out, but his heart wasn't in it. Then, recovering from surgery, not knowing yet what actually happened, he could barely stomach having the instrument around at all. When he finally did start playing again, it was to play J's stolen piece, and that was out of sheer determination. The music broke his heart, but he played then for J, not for himself, not really. That much, he still has to find again. "But it's... it's nice to at least know that I can. Not just try to shut myself off from it."
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It might not have gotten so big, though, if they'd just fucking talked about it sooner. With that in mind, he figures the best thing he can do is be honest. "I think so," he murmurs, glancing down for a moment at where his and J's hands are entwined, his thumb brushing against J's knuckles. "I'm not really sure how I feel yet. I know I don't feel bad. It's just... a lot." Realizing even as he speaks that those words could be too easily misconstrued, he lifts their hands then, pressing a soft kiss to the back of J's. "Not because of you. This... the being here with you part, that feels good. It's just me and the piano that I still have to figure out, I think."
After all, it's been so long since he loved it. Before J moved out, he was trying to get back to the way things used to be, wanting to remind J of what was good between them, but his passion for music was already fading. Maybe that started even before the first cracks formed in their relationship. That much might well have been the professor, and the knowledge that the pieces he wrote, someone else would be taking credit for. He still played after J moved out, but his heart wasn't in it. Then, recovering from surgery, not knowing yet what actually happened, he could barely stomach having the instrument around at all. When he finally did start playing again, it was to play J's stolen piece, and that was out of sheer determination. The music broke his heart, but he played then for J, not for himself, not really. That much, he still has to find again. "But it's... it's nice to at least know that I can. Not just try to shut myself off from it."