It's just a moment that S looks at him, but J is close enough that he can see. It's what S says, though, that wrecks the small bit of calm J managed to pull together, his eyes closing against a fresh wave of tears. Of course S never did. J's not sure he'll ever be able to let it go, to forgive himself to the degree that S has; he's not sure he'd feel right if he did. He was a fool to think, though, that S would feel that way now. It just seemed so obvious to him that this would be the case, that S would connect it to that night and to the past, even subconsciously, would assume that J would react poorly. Which, he has to acknowledge, he did, but only because it felt like getting a glimpse of something he couldn't have.
He's not yet sure if that's true. Getting this out in the open doesn't necessarily mean those walls come down. It's something, though. As awful as it is, at least now he knows that, like so much else, the worst was always just in his own mind.
Lips pressed into a line, he tries to gather his thoughts and his breath. If S believed it was only meant for one of them, J can guess where that line of thought came from. "Even when I haven't been playing?" he says, his throat painfully tight. He won't let that stop him. S feels so small in his arms, shaky — though maybe that's J himself — but so precious, and J has to talk, has to try and fix this. "Darling..." He sighs, muffled against S's hair. It's like this because of him, he knows, because of how he behaved. And he thought he was doing better — no, he knows he is, he knows he's been much better since he came here, even if there are still times when it's a struggle, but that doesn't erase all that came before. "It's... I didn't want it to just be mine. I don't want that. If you don't want to play, that's one thing, but if you do... that's not what holds me back, Hyunie. You know it's not."
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He's not yet sure if that's true. Getting this out in the open doesn't necessarily mean those walls come down. It's something, though. As awful as it is, at least now he knows that, like so much else, the worst was always just in his own mind.
Lips pressed into a line, he tries to gather his thoughts and his breath. If S believed it was only meant for one of them, J can guess where that line of thought came from. "Even when I haven't been playing?" he says, his throat painfully tight. He won't let that stop him. S feels so small in his arms, shaky — though maybe that's J himself — but so precious, and J has to talk, has to try and fix this. "Darling..." He sighs, muffled against S's hair. It's like this because of him, he knows, because of how he behaved. And he thought he was doing better — no, he knows he is, he knows he's been much better since he came here, even if there are still times when it's a struggle, but that doesn't erase all that came before. "It's... I didn't want it to just be mine. I don't want that. If you don't want to play, that's one thing, but if you do... that's not what holds me back, Hyunie. You know it's not."