Slowly, gently, J strokes S's cheek, ducking his head forward to kiss S's temple. "Of course I do," he says softly. It's not that simple, he knows. S had every reason to think that of him, no matter how J tried to encourage him this last year, too anxious to do more than make small comments and give him the sheet music. He would have assumed the same, probably, were their roles reversed. It's not like he was at all supportive before he left their studio. That was a different time, and he was different then, but he knows how thoroughly it still haunts him. He can't expect S not to feel the same in some ways.
But as awful as he was then, it doesn't erase how he felt before and how he feels now. In a way, it was never any different; he just showed it in different ways. Some of the anger and resentment he felt came from feeling as if important things were slipping away from him. This was part of that, pushing away the things that mattered and watching helplessly as he lost them, as if he couldn't stop himself.
It's hard to explain that. He's tried on multiple occasions and he thinks, to some extent, S understands. Right now, he just doesn't have the energy to try again, drained from being so upset, more focused now on taking care of S. He tries a different tactic. "You remember how happy we were then," he murmurs, "and how right it was. Why wouldn't I miss that? Even if we're happy now, that was important to me. Sihyun-ah... all those days we came home and I was tired and angry... you played for me and made me forget for a while." His school days were difficult, but no matter how rough it was at times, music was the cure. Whether he played for them or they played together, it felt good to lose himself in that. And when he was too frustrated or tired to play, there was S, soothing and coaxing. "You were so beautiful at the piano. The music, your hands, your profile... I always felt better — lucky, just to get to listen and to watch you. It's... it's been hard, knowing I wouldn't get to again."
He never dared to say so, though. Even now, saying this, he can feel his eyes filling with tears again, and he has to look away for a moment, blinking them back. It's his fault, after all, that things are like this, or so he thought, and he didn't want to say anything and put S in an awkward position or make him feel he had to play for J.
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But as awful as he was then, it doesn't erase how he felt before and how he feels now. In a way, it was never any different; he just showed it in different ways. Some of the anger and resentment he felt came from feeling as if important things were slipping away from him. This was part of that, pushing away the things that mattered and watching helplessly as he lost them, as if he couldn't stop himself.
It's hard to explain that. He's tried on multiple occasions and he thinks, to some extent, S understands. Right now, he just doesn't have the energy to try again, drained from being so upset, more focused now on taking care of S. He tries a different tactic. "You remember how happy we were then," he murmurs, "and how right it was. Why wouldn't I miss that? Even if we're happy now, that was important to me. Sihyun-ah... all those days we came home and I was tired and angry... you played for me and made me forget for a while." His school days were difficult, but no matter how rough it was at times, music was the cure. Whether he played for them or they played together, it felt good to lose himself in that. And when he was too frustrated or tired to play, there was S, soothing and coaxing. "You were so beautiful at the piano. The music, your hands, your profile... I always felt better — lucky, just to get to listen and to watch you. It's... it's been hard, knowing I wouldn't get to again."
He never dared to say so, though. Even now, saying this, he can feel his eyes filling with tears again, and he has to look away for a moment, blinking them back. It's his fault, after all, that things are like this, or so he thought, and he didn't want to say anything and put S in an awkward position or make him feel he had to play for J.