S isn't sure about the mostly, either, inclined to say it's fairly even on each of their parts. They were both trying to protect each other, and they both managed to assume the opposite of the truth. That would be laughable, too, if it weren't so fucking sad. For months, since he first got the job here, he's tried to avoid talking about piano whenever possible, offering to let J try it here and encouraging him to do so at Kagura but not playing so much as a note himself. Just a few minutes ago, he felt guilty and almost ashamed, like he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't have been. With what J has said since, it seems stupid now, although he can't see how he could have done otherwise. Of course he stopped; of course he thought it would hurt to hear him. The alternative isn't something he ever even considered. Even as he knows, though, that it makes sense for him to have felt the way he did, he still should have said something, at least told J what was going through his head instead of assuming that they were on the same page. No matter how close they are, no matter how well they know each other, they've done a lot of this sort of thing, after all.
"Neither of us should have," he agrees with a slight nod. For that matter, it hurts a little that J assumed he would expect yelling or fights after all this time, but he knows, too, that that has more to do with J than it does with him. It's really the same in his case, probably. His own guilt, and the belief, however misguided, that he should have given up piano long ago led him to believe that J wouldn't want to hear him play. He's still not sure what to make of the alternative — not that he was wrong, but what the truth is instead. The idea of J wanting that, missing that, makes him feel strangely sad about how distant he's grown from the instrument, but also makes him feel like there might be a chance for more than that. It will never be what it was for either of them, or what it was for both of them together, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. It definitely doesn't mean it can't be anything.
Sighing quietly, he leans into J a little, wanting to be closer, wishing they were home. They shouldn't have done this here, though he's not sure it would have come out anywhere else, under any other circumstances. "I'm sorry I did," he adds. Even if J tells him not to be, S feels all the same that the apology is not only warranted but necessary. The rest, he hesitates before he adds, nervous and a little unsure of himself, but thinking that this, too, needs to be said outright. "If you ever do... want that, want me to play for you... you can say so."
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"Neither of us should have," he agrees with a slight nod. For that matter, it hurts a little that J assumed he would expect yelling or fights after all this time, but he knows, too, that that has more to do with J than it does with him. It's really the same in his case, probably. His own guilt, and the belief, however misguided, that he should have given up piano long ago led him to believe that J wouldn't want to hear him play. He's still not sure what to make of the alternative — not that he was wrong, but what the truth is instead. The idea of J wanting that, missing that, makes him feel strangely sad about how distant he's grown from the instrument, but also makes him feel like there might be a chance for more than that. It will never be what it was for either of them, or what it was for both of them together, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. It definitely doesn't mean it can't be anything.
Sighing quietly, he leans into J a little, wanting to be closer, wishing they were home. They shouldn't have done this here, though he's not sure it would have come out anywhere else, under any other circumstances. "I'm sorry I did," he adds. Even if J tells him not to be, S feels all the same that the apology is not only warranted but necessary. The rest, he hesitates before he adds, nervous and a little unsure of himself, but thinking that this, too, needs to be said outright. "If you ever do... want that, want me to play for you... you can say so."