S does his best to stay quiet, aside from the occasional sniffle, listening as J speaks. However much he might want to cut in, however differently they may have been looking at all of this, it seems like the very least he can do. He can get this piece right, or do his best to attempt to, with as badly as he fucked up a little while ago. Still, he's not sure they're going to find any agreement here. After a year and a half of apparently seeing the same thing in completely contradictory ways, S can maybe recontextualize some of it, but hearing this now isn't going to change what he's been feeling for months, at least not this quickly. In a strange way, he realizes, J might want to try, but he doesn't. No matter how much it hurts, it seems better, safer, to make sure J doesn't have to see the physical remnants of that awful night. He should've had the sense to keep it covered in the first place. Maybe none of this would be happening now if he had.
"It's okay," he murmurs, shaking his head again, sounding counterintuitively a little calmer now. He wants J to know that he means this; it's the least he can do. "I get it. I... I don't mind. Really." He wants, too, to say that he does know, but he's aware of how unfair that would be, exactly the shit he's trying to avoid. He just has to find other ways of conveying what he means instead. "I figured you'd bring it up if you felt like you could, and... I don't want you to feel like you have to for my sake."
It's a strange, horrible position to be in, trying to protect J from the very fact of himself, hating that he can't be shirtless around his boyfriend but not wanting to risk doing otherwise. Even if it went well, he's not sure he could bear seeing J's face in response to the scars on his chest. Keeping his shirt on may not be comfortable, and it may not keep them from thinking about it, but at least J doesn't have to look at all of that whenever they shower or have sex or get changed. There's no way to win here, but this just feels safest. And he knows that J hates when he makes all the decisions, but S doesn't feel like this is that, and he doesn't think it's just for J's sake, either. That first day he brought J back here, when they were both out of their minds and frantically trying to get their hands each other on this couch, he simply wasn't thinking when he took his shirt off. He should have been, but he wasn't. Now, though, he's not sure there's any way for him to be anything other than hyperaware of the state he's in, self-conscious in a way he isn't used to being with J, at least not when it isn't on purpose.
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"It's okay," he murmurs, shaking his head again, sounding counterintuitively a little calmer now. He wants J to know that he means this; it's the least he can do. "I get it. I... I don't mind. Really." He wants, too, to say that he does know, but he's aware of how unfair that would be, exactly the shit he's trying to avoid. He just has to find other ways of conveying what he means instead. "I figured you'd bring it up if you felt like you could, and... I don't want you to feel like you have to for my sake."
It's a strange, horrible position to be in, trying to protect J from the very fact of himself, hating that he can't be shirtless around his boyfriend but not wanting to risk doing otherwise. Even if it went well, he's not sure he could bear seeing J's face in response to the scars on his chest. Keeping his shirt on may not be comfortable, and it may not keep them from thinking about it, but at least J doesn't have to look at all of that whenever they shower or have sex or get changed. There's no way to win here, but this just feels safest. And he knows that J hates when he makes all the decisions, but S doesn't feel like this is that, and he doesn't think it's just for J's sake, either. That first day he brought J back here, when they were both out of their minds and frantically trying to get their hands each other on this couch, he simply wasn't thinking when he took his shirt off. He should have been, but he wasn't. Now, though, he's not sure there's any way for him to be anything other than hyperaware of the state he's in, self-conscious in a way he isn't used to being with J, at least not when it isn't on purpose.