"Yah," J says, though it comes out soft and soothing as he shakes his head, "no, don't — I'm sorry too. I should have said something." As badly as he wants this now — not just, of course, to see S properly, but to be able to truly talk about things, to get one step closer to accepting the parts of this that affect their daily lives — he really doesn't know how long he would have kept it to himself. They both could have spoken up.
He hasn't made things easy. Throat aching, he closes his eyes. No matter how hard they try, there always seems to be something they're holding back, not out of a desire to hide but because it's all so fucking complicated.
"And I promise," he continues, "I promise." He'll say it as many times as S needs to hear it, and he'll do it, too. It's better, he reminds himself. The same way he'd want S to tell him if he approached a line, knowing that would hurt less than going too far would, he has to do the same for S. Better to find some way to extricate himself from the conversation than to let himself fall apart and make S think he has to continue keeping things to himself. "If I need a moment or I can't handle it, I'll tell you. But you have to remember it's because of me, not you, okay? If it is too much, that won't be because of you. Understand?"
He's not sure the difference in these things will be all that apparent to S either, but he has to try, voice soft but firm. He doesn't want a miscalculation on his part in what he can handle or the memory of what he did to be the reason S shuts this down and decides to carry this alone again.
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He hasn't made things easy. Throat aching, he closes his eyes. No matter how hard they try, there always seems to be something they're holding back, not out of a desire to hide but because it's all so fucking complicated.
"And I promise," he continues, "I promise." He'll say it as many times as S needs to hear it, and he'll do it, too. It's better, he reminds himself. The same way he'd want S to tell him if he approached a line, knowing that would hurt less than going too far would, he has to do the same for S. Better to find some way to extricate himself from the conversation than to let himself fall apart and make S think he has to continue keeping things to himself. "If I need a moment or I can't handle it, I'll tell you. But you have to remember it's because of me, not you, okay? If it is too much, that won't be because of you. Understand?"
He's not sure the difference in these things will be all that apparent to S either, but he has to try, voice soft but firm. He doesn't want a miscalculation on his part in what he can handle or the memory of what he did to be the reason S shuts this down and decides to carry this alone again.