Even as S nods, he knows it won't really be that simple. He means to try to remember that, and he knows J means it. Making himself truly believe it, though, is going to take some doing. Despite his having been aware, deep down, of what J was reacting to that first day, it still felt like it was because of him, the distinction that J has made not as clear to him. After months, it's going to be hard to undo that train of thought. He can do his best, though; he can give J a chance to do the same. Considering how much it still feels like he's fucked up, it seems, really, like the absolute least he can do.

Maybe it will wind up being a disaster, but at least they'll know. Maybe, if nothing else, even if it doesn't work out, he won't have to be quite so fucking cautious doing things like showering or changing his clothes. That would be a huge relief in its own right.

"It was really hard," he admits after a long few moments, the words sticking in his throat. "Not — not here, but... before. Dealing with it alone. Not having you to talk to." Especially early on, before he got and read J's journal, it was one of the most painful things about it — knowing that J was the one who hurt him, and still wanting nothing more than to have J with him. He doesn't really know how that turned into feeling like he couldn't or shouldn't talk about it at all, except that it was easier not to bring it up than to risk the harm it might do. If he didn't say anything, didn't do anything, then nothing bad could come of it. Only it did anyway, if not in the way he would have expected, and even with J telling him not to apologize, he's still just so fucking sorry.