At that, S does manage to let out a laugh, faint though it is, little more than an exhale. Truthfully, sex is just about the last thing on his mind right now, present only in the sense that he hasn't been able to and still can't imagine it being anything more than an utter turn-off for J to see him like this. Even now, he mostly expects that it will get in the way, no matter what steps they've taken today. It's one thing to have gone back to having sex facing each other, with J on top of him, or for J to see him without a shirt on; it would be another to combine those two things.
Still, there's no reason to rush that far ahead yet anyway, when just this has been such a big deal in itself. For right now, despite how utterly stupid he feels for having fallen apart to this extent, he just wants to sit here for a while longer, warm in J's arms, curled against him. He really didn't know the toll this was taking. Now that he does, it's hard to shake, so much having come so abruptly to the surface, leaving him worn out and a little sad in its wake.
"I do," he agrees, sniffling through the wry humor in his voice. None of that is actually what he would turn to if that did prove to be the case here, but right now, he doesn't want to spend too much time dwelling on the likelihood of that being necessary. They'll deal with it if and when that happens. As it is, he's pretty sure that if he lets himself start focusing on that now, when they've only just tried this in the first place, then he'll talk himself out of being able to do it at all, too convinced again that it would cause too much trouble for both of them. "Ah, really, I'm... I'm sorry about all of this." J, he knows, will tell him not to apologize. To him, though, it feels warranted, both for what he never mentioned before today and the way he fell apart. Had he thought it was significant enough or that it wouldn't do too much damage, he would have said something, but that doesn't change the fact that he didn't, or the way his reaction came to override J's. "I didn't mean to... I didn't realize..."
Although he trails off, he thinks J will understand what he means all the same. There are too many ways he could end those sentences and too much in his head to try to sort through. It seems better just to let it stand on its own, encompassing everything it could.
no subject
Still, there's no reason to rush that far ahead yet anyway, when just this has been such a big deal in itself. For right now, despite how utterly stupid he feels for having fallen apart to this extent, he just wants to sit here for a while longer, warm in J's arms, curled against him. He really didn't know the toll this was taking. Now that he does, it's hard to shake, so much having come so abruptly to the surface, leaving him worn out and a little sad in its wake.
"I do," he agrees, sniffling through the wry humor in his voice. None of that is actually what he would turn to if that did prove to be the case here, but right now, he doesn't want to spend too much time dwelling on the likelihood of that being necessary. They'll deal with it if and when that happens. As it is, he's pretty sure that if he lets himself start focusing on that now, when they've only just tried this in the first place, then he'll talk himself out of being able to do it at all, too convinced again that it would cause too much trouble for both of them. "Ah, really, I'm... I'm sorry about all of this." J, he knows, will tell him not to apologize. To him, though, it feels warranted, both for what he never mentioned before today and the way he fell apart. Had he thought it was significant enough or that it wouldn't do too much damage, he would have said something, but that doesn't change the fact that he didn't, or the way his reaction came to override J's. "I didn't mean to... I didn't realize..."
Although he trails off, he thinks J will understand what he means all the same. There are too many ways he could end those sentences and too much in his head to try to sort through. It seems better just to let it stand on its own, encompassing everything it could.