S is fairly certain that he's said the same thing before, or near enough to it. Somehow, it's easier to turn that logic outward than to apply it to himself, even though he thinks they've both been trying to protect each other for a long time. It was just less complicated back then, when he stood up to teachers who wouldn't give J a chance, even when J and his mother took him in for a while after the deaths of his parents. That isn't something he'll ever be anything less than grateful for, but it was also comparatively straightforward, no matter how awful the situation was. He was grieving and alone and needed somewhere to go. Had it been the other way around, though he wouldn't wish that on anyone, he knows his family would have done the same for J. Nothing made sense then, but everything did, too.
Now, there's so much that's complicated in so many ways, and he's still getting used to that. It's worth it — he would take all of this and then some to be with J — but he can't help if it's sometimes hard to wrap his head around. The most important things, the way he feels and what he wants, those are as simple and as constant as they've ever been. There's a mess surrounding them, though, that wasn't there before and isn't likely to go away. S thinks it would be nice if it involved less crying, but even so, that, too, is a price he's more than willing to pay.
"You sound like me again," he mumbles, soft and teasing in equal measure. None of it changes the fact that S still feels like he has to apologize for it, if nothing else for the fact that J was upset first and he's the one who drowned it out by falling apart like this, but it does help to hear what J says, or maybe it's just that it's nice to be held. Swallowing, he takes a deep breath, still leaning against J, trying to steady himself. "Even if I don't have to apologize, though... I'm still sorry." He should have thought before he opened his stupid mouth, or should have found a way to talk about it sooner. Logically speaking, at least, he knows that J wants all of him. S just didn't want that to have to involve dealing with such a constant reminder of how bad that night was. "And even if I don't have to be... I am sorry. I know you want everything. And that you... wouldn't want me to be alone with these things."
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Now, there's so much that's complicated in so many ways, and he's still getting used to that. It's worth it — he would take all of this and then some to be with J — but he can't help if it's sometimes hard to wrap his head around. The most important things, the way he feels and what he wants, those are as simple and as constant as they've ever been. There's a mess surrounding them, though, that wasn't there before and isn't likely to go away. S thinks it would be nice if it involved less crying, but even so, that, too, is a price he's more than willing to pay.
"You sound like me again," he mumbles, soft and teasing in equal measure. None of it changes the fact that S still feels like he has to apologize for it, if nothing else for the fact that J was upset first and he's the one who drowned it out by falling apart like this, but it does help to hear what J says, or maybe it's just that it's nice to be held. Swallowing, he takes a deep breath, still leaning against J, trying to steady himself. "Even if I don't have to apologize, though... I'm still sorry." He should have thought before he opened his stupid mouth, or should have found a way to talk about it sooner. Logically speaking, at least, he knows that J wants all of him. S just didn't want that to have to involve dealing with such a constant reminder of how bad that night was. "And even if I don't have to be... I am sorry. I know you want everything. And that you... wouldn't want me to be alone with these things."