J huffs, a sound that's nearly a laugh, but more sad than anything else. It isn't fair. In some ways, he's alright with that, because it means he gets to be with S still, but it's unfair all the same that S has to put up with all of this for it. He's already dealt with so much in his life. There were so many times when they were younger that J thought about how he wanted to be something simple and safe for S; it always seemed like an impossible dream. He could be a safe place and the fact of their companionship could be simple, but everything else around them meant it could never be as easy as he wanted it to be. Now it might as well be a fairy tale.

S would choose it every time, he knows that. He still wishes he could take away at least the worst of it. "You don't want me to be either," he points out, his voice a little rougher than he expects, throat aching. It hurts just to know that being together means S will never get away from any of this, never be able to put this past behind him, and it hurts to know that would be true even if J weren't here. He's the only one who bears the blame for that. S shouldn't have to feel badly for having any kind of reaction to it.

He sighs, a little shaky. "I hate it," he admits, though it's not much of a confession. "Ah, so much. I fucked up... immeasurably, and you... you have to live with all of it. It's not fair. All the things I did to you, all the things you learned, trying to keep me safe. It doesn't go away if we don't talk about it, but talking about it might make it better or make it worse. And I can't tell you not to worry, just to be honest without ever thinking about it, and I wish I could." It would be cruel to say it without any reservations or caveats when J knows all too well how fragile he sometimes is. Knowing that S sometimes holding back makes sense just makes him feel so painfully weak. "I do want everything, though."